First of all, it is ok to people please, it’s a natural human tendency for humans to want to make humans happy, because we’re all connected.
If you’re a people pleaser, your heart is in the right place.
Wanting to take care of others is not a bad trait. However, you cannot do this at the expense of yourself -Love.
A balance is needed.
People pleasing is a problem when it comes from a place of needing to derive your own self worth, from the people you’re pleasing.
Let me say that again. People pleasing becomes a problem, when it comes from a place inside of you, that needs to derive your own self worth from the people you’re trying to please.
Are you pleasing in order to gain a feeling inside? To Avoid facing a feeling inside? To fulfill a need of being wanted, loved or accepted?
Or, are you authentically pleasing and helping others, because your own cup is full of self love, self wholeness, self acceptance, self love and self worth? The Difference is monumental and if not addressed these, traits can cause physcial conflit within—- That create physcial pain and dis-ease.
How do I know if my people pleasing, is contributing to my pain and disease?
If your effort to be liked and feel wanted, is greater than the enjoyment and the joy of what you’re doing (pleasing). It has now become a contributor to your pain and disease.
When this happens, it’s time to step back, stop and learn how to say the dreaded two letter word.
The traps are many. People pleasing can come in many forms.
While working with one of my clients the other day, she began to tell me she was in a lot of pain, coincidently during that pain cycle she had 3 friends call her, asking for urgent favours from her.
I asked her “did you help them all”? she said, “yes of course!”
She went on to tell me, that she felt like she had to do favours for all of them, even though she wasn’t feeling mentally, physically and emotionally well herself.
I asked her “why did you feel you had no choice”?
She said: “I didn’t want to be mean, or seem like a bad person and let anyone down.”
People pleasing can come from distructive belief patterns.
Her belief was, if she didn’t make everyone happy, she was a bad person and wouldn’t be liked, or accepted.
These types of beliefs we carry, come from people who grew up with, highly critical parents, or authority figures. We learn these things from our enviroment.
Early experiences with harsh criticism, punishment and verbal abuse, can lead to significant anxiety later on in life. Such simple things, as attempting a work task, a job, or a sport, can create a ton of unconscious pressure and rage to be perfect and good.
The pressure to be prefect and good.
Typically, the intense need to please and care for others, is deeply rooted in fear of rejection and fear of not being good enough.
These thoughts come up in the subconscious mind. “If I don’t do everything I can to make this person happy, they might leave, or stop caring for me.”
People pleasing can also come in the form of agreeing with people, when you really don’t.
For instance, if someone says something you don’t agree with, but you nod your head, or don’t speak up when you know you should. The people pleasers tend to go along with it to keep the the waters still.
YOU CANNOT CONTROL PEOPLES OPINIONS, OR WHAT THEY THINK OF YOU. SO, LET IT GO. It wasn’t yours to begin with.
Do I have to change my personality and stop being nice? in order to stop the cycle of pain and disease?
You only need to become aware that when you continue to people please for the wrong reasons, this creates a ton of unconscious RAGE and the pressure begins to amount inside. You need to ask yourself, why am I doing the thing that I’m doing, what am I trying to gain or avoid?
GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK.
Many people who deal with chronic pain and dis-ease, fall into the trap of people pleasing without even being aware they are people pleasing from this harful place.
They may try to justify it, by saying
“I like to be helpful.”
“I don’t like to be mean.”
“I want to make everyone happy.”
“I’m a kind person.”
The question we need to ask is deeper and that is…
why am I a people pleaser?
This tendency didn’t come from you, it was passed down to you as a child from your parents, environment and observation.
YOU CAN CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
Once we realize that our people pleasing tendencies are patterns that wern’t ours to begin with, we can choose to change the program.
Albert einstein said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a differnt result.”
SO WHAT CAN I DO?
Take full responsibility for your actions, thoughts, patterns, words and behaviours and set healthy boundies with the people, friends and loved ones around you. Be direct.
We can begin to put ourselfs first again and find that self love and fullness. Religons miss this key concept, LOVE YOURSELF, they tell you to love go love your neighbour, but fail to tell you that you can’t do these things authentically if you don’t love yoursefl. Then and only then, can we begin to find a deeper authentic self love, first for ourself, then for others.
Personality traits continue the pain and disease cycle.
Continuous people pleasing, can also come in a form of a defence mechanism.
If I can keep my attention focused on someone else, then I won’t have to look at my own deeper rooted patterns, belifs and issues. These can come in the form of addictions as well.
We keep agreeing to the requests of others at our own expense( neglecting self love) then we become,
ANGRY and have trouble sleeping.
We begin to resent ourselfs.
All of these requests from others generate a ton of unconcious rage, because at our core we want to say NO. When we don’t live authentically to how we trutly feel in the moment, this can trigger more pain and disease to hold space in the body.
According to Dr. Joe Dispensa: “It’s a Scientific fact that the hormones of stress, down regulate genes and create long term disease. As humans, we can turn on our stress response by thought alone.”
We unconsciously invite chronic pain and dis-ease to continue.
In the lost book of Thomas, it says: “Do not lie, and do no do what you hate”
If you’re lying to yourself and not be authentic with oneself, you’re not loving your true self.
Lying to oneself creates stress and tension in the body, also known as Tension mitosis syndrome as DR. Sarno and many health experts later conied.
TMS, directly affects the autonomic nervous system. Your autonamic nervous system is responsible for:
The unconcious mind controls all of thes thing out of your awarensss, you don’t have to conciously breth or digest your food, this happens AUTOMATICALLY.
6 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO NOTICE THE PATTERN OF PEOPLE PLEASING.
1) BECOME AWARE THAT THIS IS A PROGRAM AND YOU CAN CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT.